I’ve had a few knocks this year that have led to much soul searching, and if I’m honest there have been times when it’s been difficult to find my way through. I tend to put my heart and soul into my dreams. These last few years I’ve put my full belief, heart, drive, effort, love and money into one particular dream. And I’ve experienced disappointment after disappointment, leaving only bone tiredness and uncertainty about what I want to do now. Any ideas I have are tempered with the energy-sapping fear of being disappointed. So much so that I can’t find momentum, only a half-hearted approach that is getting me nowhere. Do you ever feel this way? As though you couldn’t possibly have given more, nor give any more?
Through this experience, I’ve come to a realisation about myself that was hidden in my blind spot, something I saw only as virtuous proof of my expansion and growth, but in reality, has been keeping me in struggle. What is this insight? It is my belief that I create my reality. That I must be creating these negative outcomes and that no one else need take responsibility because I, as a bona fide believer in thoughts are things must have somehow brought all this failure and disappointment on myself. The irony is that if I hear a client ask, ‘what am I doing wrong?’ or ‘what’s wrong with me?’, I always take great care to ensure we take time to work with those feelings. So, she can disempower and disperse that negative belief which acts like a dark cloud shrouding everything in the heavy, debilitating feelings of guilt and shame.
I would still be blind to this if not for my EFT coach guiding me to see how hard I was being on myself. I fought it at first, and I’m still processing my emotions, but the relief of a burden shared is a palpably sweet nectar. And yes, sometimes I’m not sure who I am anymore. Not unusual for those of us that take the time to do the inner work and make way for change.
Not to sound too grandiose, I think, for now, my deepest work is to find the meeting place between the esoteric understanding that yes, on a universal level I am creating it all, and the more forgiving acknowledgement of my humanness. Therefore, inviting the understanding that other people, situations and things will have an impact on my life. And that this is often beyond my control. If I brought my A-game, then I have a right to my anger, disappointment, and other ‘less spiritual’ emotions, and I don’t need to take everything on as my fault based on the erroneous idea that I’m somehow less than. I can accept my part, allow that others play a part and forgive where it is needed. I am, after all, a spiritual being having a human experience, so I must make space to be human sometimes!
First published in Luminous Wisdom: SOPHIA October 2019