I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about just how devastatingly cruel our internal self talk can be. ‘Look at the size of that ass!’ ‘Nobody is going to like you here, you’re too awkward/weird/fat/young/old blah natter blah’
All the horrible things we say to ourselves in the privacy of our own heads. Things you would never dare to say or even want to say about another human being. Certainly not to their face. You wouldn’t be so unloving towards them. So why is it we reserve our most scathing judgement for ourselves…?
Often times this inner critic works as a form of protection so that we can learn to make better choices, be accepted socially, and generally get along in life as part of the great mass that is humanity. And that is a good thing. Otherwise the whole kit and kaboodle would fall apart. So we definitely need an inner guide helping us learn to grow from our mistakes and missteps. But you and I both know that unless we’re ever vigilant to our thoughts, and that’s a lifetimes work, then the nasty comments and recriminations, the ‘not good enoughs’ will creep back in.
I could go on about what and why we do this but what I really want to give you are some of things you can do to be kinder to yourself. Ways you can take a load off and come back to knowing that you deserve as much love and kindness as you would bestow upon others. Because being mean to ourselves creates stress in our bodies. If you’re telling yourself via ‘Judgy Judgersonn’ that you look awful every time you look in the mirror or see your reflection in a shop window then the recriminations and ‘I shouldn’t have had that cake’ type thoughts set off the stress response, negatively impacting your body. It can become a never ending loop of emotional upheaval. So let’s be kind, gentle and humane to ourselves and bask in the calm of that. Here are a few gentle ways of being kinder that work for me.
Buy yourself flowers (or something else you really love) – I read it recently in a book and decided to do it. I loved the feeling of seeing the beautiful flowers I bought for me glowing on my windowsill. They served not only as something lovely to look upon but also as a gentle reminder that I have the power in me to be kinder to myself in both my thoughts and actions. So do you. Simple and heart healing.
Look at your language – I’m not talking expletives here although that couldn’t hurt either if you’re directing them at yourself! This is a big topic but here is one word you can look out for. Say hello to ‘should’. This word peppers our mind chatter and also the language we use to describe ourselves and our actions to others. So in the example above you could say instead ‘I could have chosen not to have that cake – I can make that choice next time if I want to’ or ‘I chose to have cake today. I can always choose differently next time’. Try replacing should for could and see how freeing it can be.
Let go of perfection – remind yourself throughout the day that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge, tools and resources you have available to you.
Heart breathing – here’s an audio relaxation to help you
Best friend – if you find yourself saying ‘OMG i am such a dolt for doing…’ ask yourself what your best friend might say to you instead – or even better call her/him. Get it out in the open and hopefully you can find the funny. It can be very enlightening and affirming to hear how your friends perceive you in all your lovely you-ness!
Tap (EFT) on it – here’s the basic sequence to get you started – once you get going switch me off and use your own words. Try this. Think of a situation where you are less than kind to yourself. Ask, what do I tell myself about me in this situation? What’s my self talk on this one? So for instance if you have to give a talk you might have some interesting negative chatter about it like, ‘I can’t do it, I’ll make a mistake, I’m useless at these things’ etc… now tap on your statements.
So there are just a few things I use to help me be kinder to myself.
I hope they help you too.
